Since there is a pending court case involving the people in this story they will remain anonymous. Last night a kind gentle man went to bed with great hopes of entering dream land. Every time he just started to doze off, he was viciously attacked by an assailant beside him. The assailant kicked the kind man claiming he was snoring. The constitution protects snoring under the free speech provision. After negotiations, which failed, the poor man was forced to leave his own warm bed and sleep in the basement. There will be a march in Hazen today to protect first amendment rights. In court, testimony will be given that the assailant herself, has been known to snore. The victim will point out to the jury that the rights of the assailant to enjoy sleep are always respected. The same assailant has been reported to the sleep commission for a variety of offenses. In previous cases the assailant has been charged with turning on the lights while a person is sound asleep in the room. Burning the eyes out of a sleeper's head is one of the assailants modus operandi. Court records show the assailant was recently charged in Utah with cover stealing. Apparently on a cold night along the Paria River the alleged assailant removed the covers from a sleeping victim and left him to awaken in the cold. When that case went to court the perpetrator claimed "He pushed the covers over to my side of the bed your honor, I did not steal them". When the victim showed his frost bitten toes the judge ruled in his favor.
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