The Niggeefiddle

What is a niggeefiddle? A niggeefiddle is a person obsessed with details that just don't matter.  Sad to say The Commander has turned into a niggeefiddle. The Commander has become obsessed with dirt. It is everywhere.  Sadly most of the world is made of dirt. You cannot avoid it.  At some point a crumb will fall on the floor.  Crumbs are not radioactive, but if you watched the commander you would think they were. If Kadizzle vacuums the house or dust for hours the house is still dirty.  If The Commander pays the cleaning lady millions of dollars to do what Kadizzle just did then the house is clean.

Kadizzle himself is a walking dustbag, dirtbag, germbag.  Anything Kadizzle gets near or touches is contaminated.  Once you become a niggeefiddle a major portion of your life is devoted to clean.  Leaves fall in our yard.  Last year in one week we raked and manicured the lawn three times.  Invisible invaders are always ready to attack.  The two most heinous invaders are flies and mice.  A mouse is always sitting in a little chair by every door to the house reading a newspaper. That mouse is just waiting to come in.  The mouse of course has a friend that is a fly.  Now when Kadizzle goes out to do yard work and wants to go in and out of the garage he likes to leave the garage door open because he must constantly go in and out. The niggeefiddle constantly closes the door because the mouse sitting in the chair will come in.  No one has yet seen the mouse. He must go for coffee once in awhile.

Ice is a classic with a niggeefiddle. It melts at a speed that is unbelievable.  For thirty years we have been taking ice to our boat.  We always have ice left over after any trip, but the niggeefiddle thinks if ice is exposed to a ray of sun for one second it is gone.  Kadizzle has bought a bag of ice many times and taken it to the lake by himself. Kadizzle just throws the ice in the car and away he goes.  When he gets to the lake the ice is just fine. Not the niggeefiddle.  You cannot put food or ice in the cooler until the very last moment. Coolers must not be exposed to sun shine for even a moment.  If you do attempt to make it to the lake with ice in a cooler you must cover the cooler with something and be sure to park the truck in the shade if you stop for an instant.

Here we sit in North Dakota.  Soon the niggeefiddle will go nuts because there is snow in the driveway. We will spend hours making the driveway snowfree.  This means scrapping every bit of ice away.  What happens if the wind blows? Run out there and shovel.  It is a disaster if a car drives in on snow. That means there will be tire tracks. Get out there and scrape them off.

Niggeefiddles like to worry.  Worrying about things like what if a mouse dies in the house and we cannot find it.  A niggefiddle can spend all day being concerned about something they can do nothing about, or a problem that may not even exist. The niggefiddle got all excited about the water hydrant hooked to our camper in Arizona. Is it going to freeze?  The people who lived in Arizona and worked with the water where we camp for twenty years said don't worry it has never frozen.  So what if it did freeze? Aint our problem.  So goes the life of the niggeefiddle.

One thing The Cammander likes to do is clean the hell out of the camper.  Kadizzle is always assigned to beating the dirt and dust out of the rugs.  If you have ever been involved in doing this you have probably noticed you will never get done.  Hold the rug in sun light and hit it with a broom. Do it a thousand times. Dust will always come out of the rug.  No matter how hard you try the niggeefiddle can come out an claim you did not get the rug clean.  Once upon a time Kadizzle sold vacuum cleaners while he was in high school.  The boss always said " Pull dirt".   What he meant was show people how much dirt is in their house.  The way you did this was by putting a filter in the vacuum line. You would tell the simple minded dinger about to get ripped off for a fortune by investing in a new vacuum cleaner, to use their vacuum.  After they used their vacuum Kadizzle would hook up the zippity do da vacuum cleaner and get a lot more dirt out of the couch, carpet, whatever.  It never failed because there is an infinite supply of dirt in carpets.  If the homeowner used his vacuum after Kadizzle did the zippity do da, he would still get dirt.   The moral of the story is you can vacuum your carpet for days and you will not get all the dirt.  A fun part of selling was to yell at the home owner "Get up".  Then you would vacuum right where the person was sitting.  The dirt would be caught on the filter.  You would put the filter down where the person was sitting and tell them to sit on it.  They would say "No".   Then you would say "Why not, you were sitting on it before?".   Never did it fail to find dirt in any couch.  So keep your house clean, but don't think you will ever win against the mouse and the imaginary dirt.