Gravity Worse in North Dakota than previously expected

For the past three months under the guidance of The Commander, Lord Kadizzle has been forced on a march almost every day. These marches involved gains of two or three thousand feet, and sometimes drops of nearly a mile into the Grand Canyon. Hardly a day did not go by when the retinue did not hike from six to eight miles. With this in mind Lord Kadizzle declared in Utah that he was sure he had lost from 15 to 20 pounds. This had to happen because he was away from a refrigerator for up to four hours per day. Rarely does this happen. Her lordship declared that there was no visible reduction in the shadow cast by his lordship. In view of his part time summer job providing shade at weddings her lordship thought this a good thing.

With great fanfare his lordship stepped on the scale before his first shower at home. Much to his suprize the scale indicated at most he had lost five pounds. This is positive proof that gravity in North Dakota is much more severe than previously expected. The reason for this phenomenon seems to be related to global warming. In North Dakota there seems to be early effects from global warming of refrigerator food in the microwave. As the mass of the refrigerator is reduced by the warming of the food, the mass of Lord Kadizzle seems to increase. Further research is still required , but preliminary results seem to indicate gravity will continue to strenthen in North Dakota.

Lord Kadizzle started his research on gravity after he was hit by his first gravity wave. Frequently these waves are generated by lunch. It is not uncommon shortly after noon to be walking about minding your own business, only to be struck down by a strong gravity wave. If you can stagger to the couch and lie prone for up to thirty minutes a recovery is usually possible. There seems to be a relationship between these waves and sun activity. When the sun shines brightly on the couch the waves seem to strike more often. Any good observer of animals will note they are often struck in this manner. If you see either an animal or a human caught in the grips of a gravity wave on the couch the best way to release them from the grips of this force is as follows: Open the door leading to the garage quitely, and press the button that raises the garage door. The noise of the garage door going up usually will break the trance. Animals and victems of gravity waves have come to associate the sound of garage doors opening with demands for explanations. Both humans and pets have found it difficult to explain why they appear to be sleeping in the middle of the day.