Blue States Cecede from Red States

Dear Red States,


We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're
taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that
includes Hawaii, California, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin,
Michigan, Illinois, New York, and all of the Northeastern states. After this
election, we'll be adding Colorado and New Mexico. We believe this split
will be beneficial to the nation, especially to the people of our new
country - Nuevo California.


To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states; we get
stem cell research, the best beaches, and the best ski resorts. We get the
Statue of Liberty; you get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft; you get WorldCom. We get Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Cal Tech, MIT and
Columbia; you get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital
and entrepreneurs; you get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than that of the
Christian Coalition, we get a bunch of happy families and you get a bunch of
under-educated single moms.


Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and
we'll need all of our citizens back from Iraq at once.
If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They apparently have
kids they're willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't
mind if you don't televise their kid's caskets coming home. We do wish you
success in Iraq and hope that those Weapons of Mass Destruction turn up for
you, but we're not willing to spend any more of our money in Bush's
Quagmire.


With the Blue States, we will control 80 percent of the country's fresh
water, 90 percent of pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh
fruit, 97 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at
your state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech
industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias
and condors, and all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools. We also get
New England, the Great Lakes and Yosemite, thank you very much.


In the Red States, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese
Americans and their projected health care costs, 92 percent of all U.S.
mosquitoes, 100 percent of tornadoes, 94 percent of hurricanes, 99 percent
of Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, as well as Rush
Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bob Jones University, and Clemson.


Additionally, in the Red States, 38 percent actually believe Jonah was
swallowed by a whale; 62 percent believe life is sacred unless it involves
the death penalty or gun ownership; 44 percent claim that evolution is only
a theory; 53 percent insist that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11; and 61
percent of you crazy bastards believe you have higher moral standards than
those of us on the left.


By the way, we're taking all the good pot, too. You get that dirt weed from
Mexico and Kansas ditches.


Peace out,
The Blue States