"I said Hello God Damn it".

My old neighbor who recently passed away used to have little patience for the sour old goats that roam the streets of Hazen. Once Pat told me about how he said "Good morning" to one of the old goats, and the goat just ignored him. Pat said loudly to the old sour goat "I said Hellow god damn it". This morning Kadizzle got up early to go to the grocery store. One cashier there is always as sour and unfriendly as can be. When the old hag came over to unlock the door she was devoid of any kind of humanity. She had a scoul on her face like she regretted the sun coming up. Kadizzle thought of his old buddy Pat and could barely hold back the " I said Hello God Damn it" quote.

Sailing West to Seek Riches

Later today tall ships will depart one at a time to head west. Seeking adventure and riches the sailboats will search out new lands. For a week members of the fleet have been stocking the ships with wine, cheese, and all the other essentials for a long journey. For ten days six to ten boats will make their way west into a barely inhabited land of the Mandan, Hidatsa, and other tribes. Tonight the fleet will gather in Birthold Bay. The lake is so high the sacred fire pit is almost underwater. Around the fire offerings will be made to the gods of wind and rain for a safe journey. Rumor is the west holds vast quantities of riches. Since oil has been discovered in the Baken Shale formation on the far western end of the lake people have been seeking a sea route to Williston. There could be a Northwest Passage. The Indians along the route have devised a clever new way to defeat the white man coming by water. At Newtown the tribes have a trap. When the white man stops for supplies he will be lured into a casino. At the casino he will be plied with drink. This is a trick the Indians have reversed on the unsuspecting whites. Once the sailors are lubricated it is a simple matter to empty their pockets with the electronic thieves. These are the same Indians that confused Columbus they know what they are doing.

The Missouri River splits into the Little Missouri. No doubt the fleet will get confused and take the wrong branch. With the high water ships can sail for two days down the Little Missouri. Not a soul can be seen down that vast canyon. The fleet will have to rely on rudimentary instruments of navigation such as GPS, Laptop computers, and Cell phones. Always knowing were they are withing three feet and with complete maps of the bottom of the lake navigation will be difficult and treacherous. Like Columbus the fleet will be threatened with weather. Radar weather broadcast onto cell phones will only give them a marginal seven day advance notice of what the wind gods will do. The fleet will only be able to see storms sixty miles away. It will be easy to see what early explorers were up against.

Facing the loneliness of the long voyage sailors will be forced to watch a flat screen TV on rainy nights deep in the heart of Indian country. It will be a long difficult journey. If the ice gives out and the beer gets warm no doubt many will parish. If we make it back we can spread the news of the riches of the far west where wealth is pumped from the ground, where black gold has replaced yellow gold, and the land is overrun with those seeking riches.

Act Like Nothings Wrong

If you have not tried the internet music service Pandora, you should. It is free. Pandora allows you to pick the kind of music you like. Once you tell it a song you like it figures out what else you will like. Kadizzle found a song called "Act like nothing's wrong". The lyrics to the song are wonderful. There is some truth in the saying. Growing up as a kid Kadizzle became a good pool player because his grandfather had a nice old fashioned pool table in his attic. The pool balls started to get some wear and needed to be replaced. One day Kadizzle was in downtown Wheeling, West Virginia with one of the local hooligans. In a furniture store that happened to sell pool balls, and pool tables the kid decided to acquire a new set of pool balls for my grandfathers pool table. This was not going to be a cash transaction. The junior psychopath stuffed the box containing the pool balls under his jacket and proceeded to walk out the front door of the store. Kadizzle was unaware that nut case had undertaken this venture and was amazed when pool balls started dropping out of his jacket as he left the store. The pool balls rolled in every direction. Kadizzle stood in shocked amazement as this drama unfolded. Smitty casually started to walk around and pick up the pool balls. A store clerk saw what had happened and came over and helped Smitty pick up the pool balls and put them back in the box. It never occurred to the clerk that psycho had stolen the pool balls. After the balls were repackaged Smitty thanked the clerk and walked out the door with the package of pool balls in plain site. The moral of the story is "Act like nothing's wrong".

The Staff at the Mental Instituition

As most of you know poor old Lord Kadizzle has been confined to a mental health facility at the end of 7th Street in Hazen. The chances for recovery from terminal laziness are slim. It may be part of the treatment program, but all of the staff at Lazy Acres home for the Terminally Lazy is hyperactive. Perhaps the theory is that it will wear off. Do they come by it naturally or are they getting into the stimulants? All of the staff are bossy. The Commander is constantly barking out orders. Rumor among the inmates is that The Commander was once a Marine Drill Instructor. Jasper Little Bottom is not much better. Of course Shavanda is also curt and to the point. Winky is probably the nicest. Winky will sometimes ask nicely. Let me give you an example of this gang. If poor old Kadizzle gets up to go out the door Jasper Littlebottom in her calf high gardening boots will yell "Close the door!". Jasper will yell this before you have even half way opened the door. Shavanda will always ask you "What are you doing?". If Shavanda sees you taking a glass out of the cabinet she will quickly yell "What are you doing?". Most people would assume you were going to get a glass of water. Time at the nursing home runs at the speed of light. If all of a sudden the music comes up at a loud volume on the computer, Shavanda will yell "Turn that down", as if you did not notice the music was shaking the house. When they programed the staff at the nursing home they set the clock speed way to high. The Commander thinks you can walk form the bedroom and by the time you get to the kitchen the water for coffee will be boiling. Everything happens quickly in the world of Jasper Littlebottom. Ice melts at twice the speed it does anywhere else. Things in the world of the staff warm up and cool down much quicker than anywhere else on Earth. Disease is also rampant in the facility. If you ever touch a chicken Shavanda will make you wash your hands withing seconds. One nice thing about Jasper Littlebottom when she is on duty is that Jasper thinks she is the grounds keeper. This means that Jasper will spend hours fighting the weeds and talking to the green beans. However, when Jasper needs help out in the crops, you better be there quick. The way Jasper will order a glass of water, you would think it was the snappy Old Commander. Shavanda loves to burn your eyes out. You know how nice it is to just about be asleep and headed toward dream land. Shavanda somehow knows when you are close to this state. Shavanda first turns on the hall light, then she pops open the bedroom door and quickly turns on every light in the room. Your eyes pop out of your head, and what was a nice rest turns into a nuclear light show. This is the health facilities version of shock treatment. Got to go now. Jasper is out spraying weeds if Jasper comes in and finds Kadizzle has not done the dishes all hell will break loose, and Kadizzle will be reported to The Commander. This could result in an attack from Shavanda when nap time comes this afternoon.

End Turning, and Colored Underwear

The Kadizzles had a wonderful meal with our camping buddies last night. Ruth mentioned that they learned a few tips from the Kadizzles. One was using colored underwear for the men. Colored underwear stays cleaner longer, or at least it seems like it. Now the real secret with good underwear management is end turning. Kadizzle used to be an old surface coal miner. On the draglines that uncovered the coal you had to get the maximum use out of the cables that manipulated the bucket. To do so you periodically took the cables off and turned them around. It was like rotating tires on a car. With underwear the rotation is like this for maximum wear. You have four good days if you play your cards right. First rotation is inside out, and the second is front to back. Best only to use these procedures during a severe underwear shortage. Do not attempt this while dating. Stay tuned for more camping tips.

Jasper Littlebottom and the Rabbit wars

Yesterday Lord Kadizzle made the trek to the nursery in Beulah. There our coffers were emptied to pay for more plants. Jasper Littlebottom has the yard looking in a glorious state. However, Lord Kadizzle has had to move the date of his death up considerably because paying for the plants has depleted our retirement fund. The other day Jasper, A.K.A. Elmer Fudd borrowed the neighbors BB gun and went after the rabbit gang in our garden. Kadizzle found it cruel that Jasper would shoot a poor little rabbit in the head with a BB gun. The gun merely stunned the rabbit, and Jasper bonked him to death. It made Kadizzle realize what could happen if Kadizzle did not do the dishes.

This morning Jasper came in holding a flower from one of the expensive plants we bought yesterday. Bugs Bunny had chewed the stem and just let the luxurious flower drop to the ground. Kadizzle has changed his view on rabbits. Now they will be subjected to drone strikes, and surges, until these garden terrorist are wiped out. The Kadizzle clan will be searching the internet for rabbit recipes. If we find their stonghold we may have to invade a foreign yard to wipe out this threat to our well being. Hopefully the neighbors will not mind if we set their yard on fire to kill the rabbits. They should be able to understand our situation.

May Day, May Day

The other day Lord Kadizzle thought he would have to call the May Day alert on the good ship Sovereign. As the ship charged into the bay under a strong wind the Kadizzle's phone rang. Ruth said the boat Kadizzle had just passed had the captain fall overboard. Roger must have been at their cabin watching with his binoculars. The Sovereign spun about and headed back to Rocky's boat. As we approached Kadizzle thought it might be best to call some other boats if someone was in peril. After a minute or so it looked as though Rocky was at the helm of the boat. Kadizzle decided to get closer before he made a distress call on the VHF radio. When the good ship got along side Rocky it turned out the exercise was all about a dog that had fallen overboard. Apparently Rocky was leaning way over the side when Rodger saw him from the shore. His wife was holding his legs as he went for the dog. From Rodgers perspective it appeared worse than it was. All is well that ends well.

Summer is flying by

The good ship is in tip top shape with a new stove, and fancy new drawers, but getting out for an overnight sail has seemed impossible. With Erin and her family home the Kadizzles have been busy playing the grandparent game. Today they go back to the mountains and life will settle down.

Scottish Purple Bumble Bee

Sailing the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Most of the best people Lord Kadizzle ever met were sailors. A lot of people perceive sailors as people with money getting blown around at their leisure on massive yachts. The reality with most of the sailors Kadizzle has known is different, people with a passion struggling to make payments for what they enjoy. When you sail with people you get to know every aspect of them. You learn what they do in a crises, you learn how they relax, you learn every story they know. You cannot sail with another couple and not soon know how they relate. Every couple has their own style. Although the men may play the role, you soon find the real captain usually is the one with less testosterone. The women decide when the spinnaker goes up, the boat goes out, and if there will be any dinner.

In all the years Kadizzle has sailed he can honestly say he only met one sailor that never became a good friend. Kadizzle started his career as an underground coal miner. One of the first things you learned in coal mining was to get along. You never knew who the person would be that would save your ass when the chips were down. Sailing is the same way. When the day comes you are sinking, do you want to call your worst enemy to come back and save you? So sailing is about friendships, and friendships are about forgiveness. If you can excuse me for puking on your boat and telling the same story ten times, maybe I can forget how you rammed my new paint job and put a six foot scratch on the side of the boat. Usually it all works out, and there is nothing a campfire and a glass of wine cannot solve. Everyone does things they wish they had not. Everyone says things they wish they had not.

There is no perfect couple. No matter how hard you try, someday every sailor is going to blow up and say to his loved one " you blanking idiot, what in the hell are you doing", or some other quaint phrase of love. We are all human, and fools to think we can overcome it. Sailors that curse and vent are still sailing. The ones that bottled it all up exploded long ago.

One song Kadizzle always liked has the verse "Life is like a merry go round, sometimes your up and sometimes your down". Sailing mimics life. Sometimes the wind is perfect, sometimes there is no wind, and sometimes the wind will knock your socks off. A merry go round that did not go up and down would not be much fun.

Kadizzle's Hill Billy heritage

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Gardner Extrodinair Jasper Littelbottom