Attend your own funeral.

The Donut Tontine: A Fundraiser Where Everyone Dies (But Nobody Actually Dies)

Let’s be honest—raising money is hard. Bake sales flop. Raffles annoy people. And no one wants to hear the words “fundraising committee.” So Kadizzle reached deep into the dark, dusty basement of financial history and dragged out a strange old creature called a tontine.

Don’t worry. No one is actually harmed in this version. Mostly.

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What in the Heck Is a Tontine?

A tontine was an old-school retirement plan from way back before Social Security, 401(k)s, or even common sense. Here’s how it worked:

• A group of people all put in the same amount of money.

• That money gets invested.

• Everyone splits the yearly interest.

• When one person dies, their share of the interest gets divided among whoever’s left.

• As people drop off, the survivors make more money.

• The very last person alive gets everything.

Yes—this worked great financially and terribly morally. Unfortunately, it turned out that when money increases with each death, people start dying a little faster than nature intended. Who could have predicted that? Because of the “light murder problem,” tontines were outlawed.

So naturally, Kadizzle thought: We can fix this.

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The Donuts with Democrats Tontine (No Assassins Allowed)

Here’s the safe, modern, non-murdery version.

• We recruit 26 brave donut patriots.

• Each person throws in $100.

• That creates a $2,600 Donut War Chest.

• The money sits in an interest-earning account.

• The interest helps pay for donuts, coffee, and the emotional support required after consuming that many pastries.

Instead of real death, we use something even more powerful:

Artificial Death (Also Known as “You’re Dead, But Please Pass the Sugar”)

• Every member’s name goes into a jar.

• At each meeting, one name is drawn.

• That person is now officially “Dead to the Tontine.”

• They stop receiving future interest shares.

• But they do not stop showing up, because this is not a cult. Probably.

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The Funeral (With the Corpse in the Audience)

At the next Donuts meeting:

• The previously “dead” person shows up very much alive.

• A formal funeral is held.

• Someone delivers a eulogy listing:

  • Their good deeds

  • Their bad political opinions

  • And at least one mildly embarrassing personal fact

• The “deceased” sits silently and listens to their own life summary like a ghost at their own wake.

This continues for about two years, one death per meeting.

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The Final Survivor (May God Have Mercy)

Eventually, only one symbolic survivor remains. This person:

• Becomes the Last Donut Standing

• Is crowned Keeper of the Financial Flame

• Does not get assassinated, poisoned, or shoved down a stairwell

• Does not get the money either—because this is a fundraiser, not a crime documentary

Meanwhile, Donuts with Democrats keeps the original fund and uses the interest for donuts and operations the entire time.

And here’s the beautiful part:

• Everyone gets some money back from interest during the process

• So the real cost to each person is less than $100

• Everyone gets donuts

• Everyone gets coffee

• Everyone gets publicly eulogized while still alive

This is what economists call a win-win with frosting.

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Example Numbers (Because Even a Donut Cult Needs Math)

• 26 people × $100 = $2,600 total fund

• If the account earns 5% per year:

  • $2,600 × 5% = $130 per year

• Over two years:

  • About $260 in total interest

• That interest:

  • Offsets what each person originally paid

  • Helps buy donuts and supplies

• Donuts with Democrats still keeps:

  • The full $2,600

  • Plus the interest earned along the way

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