Sell West Virginia to Mexico

.

Let’s Fix the Deficit: A Modest Proposal to Sell the Red States

Americans love a good deal. We’ll cross borders for cheap dental work, medical procedures, or even to avoid paying taxes on liquor and cigarettes. But when it comes to cutting our national deficit, we’ve been thinking way too small. Selling Greenland? Invading the Panama Canal? Come on, Trump—that’s amateur hour.

Let’s flip the script. Instead of buying new land, why not sell some of the land we already have? Specifically, the parts of the country that are… let’s call them “underperforming assets.” Yes, I’m talking about the red states. Hear me out.

The Case for Liquidating Red States

These states are already halfway out the door when it comes to federal assistance. They take more in federal aid than they give back in taxes. Think of them as the freeloading roommate who never buys groceries but always eats your snacks. So why not turn that liability into an asset?

If Walmart can sell off underperforming locations, so can the United States. Texas alone could fetch a fortune on the open market—just imagine what Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos would pay for their own libertarian paradise. And Florida? Disney might be interested in turning the entire state into an immersive theme park where every day is “Florida Man Day.”

Potential Buyers

1. Mexico: Let’s be honest, they’re already handling the dental and healthcare needs of so many Americans. Why not throw in Arizona and Texas? They’ve got the infrastructure in place and can probably turn a profit within a year.

2. Canada: Sure, they’re polite, but they’ve got a sly sense of humor. Selling them the Dakotas and Montana would be like handing over a fixer-upper and watching them turn it into a cozy Airbnb.

3. China: If they’re buying up our debt, why not offer them Alabama and Mississippi? A trade deal could include free Mandarin lessons and infrastructure upgrades.

The Benefits

1. Reduced Deficit: Imagine the windfall from selling off just a few states. We could balance the budget and still have enough left over to fund universal healthcare, fix public education, and finally fill all the potholes in Michigan.

2. Improved Quality of Life: Fewer red states means fewer culture wars. We’d be free from debates over whether science is real or if books are dangerous.

3. A Happier Country: With fewer red states, the blue ones could finally pass legislation that makes sense. Universal healthcare? Sure. Climate change action? Absolutely. Gun control? You betcha.

Closing Thoughts

Of course, there are a few downsides. The SEC would need a new home base after we sell off the South. And where will we get our country music and barbecue? But these are sacrifices I think we’re all willing to make for the greater good.

So, let’s stop arguing about buying Greenland or invading the Panama Canal. If we really want to secure America’s future, it’s time to sell off the red states. We’ll live happily ever after—and finally be able to afford to fix our teeth right here at home.