Why not take Mexico and Canada?

Vice President Trump Demands Panama Canal Return, President Musk Suggests Moon Colony Instead

In a move as bold as it is baffling, Vice President Donald J. Trump declared yesterday at a rally in Biloxi, Mississippi, that the United States should "take back the Panama Canal."

"We built it, it’s ours! Nobody builds canals like us—they’re saying it’s the best canal, the most tremendous canal in history," Trump exclaimed to a crowd waving MAGA hats that now feature solar panels on the brim (a recent mandate from President Musk’s administration). "The Panamanians? They didn’t even say thank you. It’s a disgrace!"

Of course, the Panama Canal hasn’t been under U.S. control since 1999, thanks to an agreement signed during the Carter administration—but details like history, sovereignty, or international law have never been known to slow Trump’s rhetorical freight train. "We’ll just go down there and take it back. Easy. They won’t even see us coming!" he added, suggesting that perhaps Elon Musk could build a fleet of SpaceX submarines to help with the endeavor.

President Musk: Why Stop at the Canal? Let’s Buy the Moon!

President Musk, overhearing Trump’s remarks during his morning hyperloop ride to the Oval Office, reportedly had an entirely different vision.

“The Panama Canal? That’s old tech,” Musk said in a statement released on X (formerly known as Twitter). “We should be focusing on establishing MoonX—the first fully automated lunar colony powered by Dogecoin.”

While Musk’s grandiose vision dazzled some and bewildered others, his administration’s laissez-faire attitude toward territorial claims has raised eyebrows. After all, this is the same administration that last week proposed turning Greenland into a Mars simulation training ground (complete with Tesla charging stations) and suggested that we "merge" with Canada to streamline maple syrup distribution.

If We're Stealing Things, Why Stop There?

The question on everyone’s mind seems to be: why stop at the Panama Canal? Indeed, Vice President Trump’s logic has inspired a flurry of proposals from his most ardent supporters.

"Why not take Canada? It’s basically ours anyway,” declared a Fox News pundit during last night’s broadcast. "They’ve got the same Walmart brands, and their Prime Minister is basically a low-rent version of a Hallmark movie star. Let’s just annex it already."

Mexico, too, has come under Trump’s crosshairs—though not for the reasons you’d expect. "They’ve got all the tequila, and quite frankly, the best tacos. We take Mexico, we fix Taco Bell. It’ll be huge," Trump said, waving a flag featuring a hybrid eagle-cactus logo he doodled himself.

The World Responds

Unsurprisingly, the international response has been… less enthusiastic. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau issued a polite but firm statement: “We appreciate the interest, but Canada is not for sale. Besides, it’s winter, and they’d just complain about the snow.”

Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador, meanwhile, laughed off the remarks, suggesting that if Trump wants Mexico, he’d better start learning Spanish. “Good luck translating ‘covfefe’,” he quipped.

As for the Panamanians? They seem content to watch the circus from a distance. “If they want the canal back, they can have it,” said one anonymous diplomat. “But only if they take Trump with them.”

The Future of Geopolitics, Musk-Trump Style

While the rest of the world struggles to keep up, Americans seem divided on the issue. A recent poll found that 45% of voters think the Panama Canal is in Arizona, 30% think we already own Canada, and 15% just want cheaper avocados.

In the end, it’s hard to tell whether these territorial ambitions are the start of a new era in geopolitics or just another episode of the increasingly surreal reality show we call democracy. One thing’s for sure: the next time Vice President Trump gives a speech, you’ll want to bring a map—and possibly a telescope, just in case President Musk shifts focus to Jupiter.