HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DONALD!
Back in the hills there's an old saying: "He takes the cake."
No expression has ever described a birthday boy more perfectly.
Most people wait for presents on their birthday. Not Donald. Why wait? If he sees something he likes, he just takes it.
At this year's birthday party, Republicans are expected to yell "Surprise!" as they present him with Canada, Greenland, and possibly a few other countries they found lying around unattended.
Buying a birthday gift for Donald is nearly impossible. Chances are he already acquired it through a combination of self-promotion, creative storytelling, and a generous campaign donor.
Of course, the party menu will feature a gigantic cake covered in gold frosting, with enough candles to trigger a national emergency declaration. The cake will be labeled "The Greatest Cake in History" before anyone has actually tasted it.
Guests will spend the evening competing to see who can offer the most flattering toast. Judges have ruled that facts will not be considered in the scoring.
As the celebration winds down, Donald will remind everyone that it was the largest birthday party ever recorded, despite photographic evidence showing otherwise.
So here's wishing you a tremendous birthday. A fantastic birthday. The best birthday. People are saying they've never seen a birthday like it.
And if anyone objects, just declare it fake news.
Happy Birthday, Donald. May all your wishes be granted by executive order.
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