How to Be a Real Man (Republican Edition)
Jeff is a big guy. He doesn’t carry a handgun—he doesn’t need to. He calls the handgun what it really is: a penis compensator.
If you’ve spent any time around Republicans, you already know the type. Scratch the surface and you find sexual hang-ups galore. Nobody needs a handgun. But if you’re a mental lightweight, strapping one to your hip magically adds six inches to your… confidence. Instant he-man, at least in your own head.
Of course, firearms aren’t the only way to inflate your masculinity. If you’re a member of the Hooplehead tribe or a Tea Party dinger, here are some tried-and-true tips for making yourself feel large and in charge:
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Get yourself a noisy truck or motorcycle.
Big noise equals big man. Animals in the wild roar, screech, and howl to show dominance. Why shouldn’t little men with insecurities do it with a smokey, ear-splitting truck? -
Wave your flag—literally.
Nothing says “brave” quite like a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag flapping in the wind. Bonus points if it’s oversized enough to block traffic. -
Sticker up.
Plaster your truck with a Trump decal. That way, everyone will know you’ve pledged allegiance to the world’s biggest orange strongman. -
Dress the part.
A T-shirt promoting guns does wonders. “I ♥ My AR-15” will make you look tough at the gas station and even tougher at Applebee’s.
Follow these steps and you’ll have women swooning—at least that’s what the fantasy promises. In reality, you’ll mostly attract honks, eye-rolls, and the occasional speeding ticket.
But hey, if loud engines, big guns, and bad politics make you feel like a man, then you’ve found your tribe. Just don’t confuse smoke and noise with strength. Jeff will still be the biggest guy in the room—without a compensator strapped to his hip.
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