Waddling Lumpers

Two nights, two parties, lots of food, good food.  The waddling lumpers bellied up to the food bonanza.  Now, full disclosure, Kadizzle is a waddling lumper.  Go anywhere in this country and the lumpers are everywhere.  A nation with so much food we dispense it every few hundred feet.  The lumpers can always reach down and get some food.  Then of course food trucks chase the lumpers around and feed them.  Is it the lumpers fault, of course not.

Good lumpers do not walk, they take the car to the grocery store and bring back the food.  The really professional lumpers cook the food, and then post  a picture of the meal on facebook.  This of course makes all the other lumpers hungry.  Now a good lumper is two ax handles across the ass and will dress out at 250lbs.

The opioid addiction is a problem, but pales in comparison to the sugar addiction. Kadizzle has a good old friend who is a lumper and has been trying to commit food suicide for years. In his recliner he sits with one hand on the remote control. On his belly is usually a plate with some concoction.  A flea or a bed bug would have to pack a meal for a week just to go from one side of his enormous fatulance to the other.  The poor guy cannot walk over twenty five feet without becoming exhausted.  If he does walk the twenty five feet he goes out on the porch to smoke a cigarette.  His heart should be a coveted piece of meat for any scientist. How his heart has managed to pump blood through a four hundred fifty pound body being deprived of oxygen for so many years is in the realm of magic.

Of course Kadizzle does not want to be a lumper, but there are voices in the refrigerator of cold goodies crying out to be in a warm belly.  Noises come from the cupboard, sad cookies lonely and wanting company.  Listen closely and the cookies say " You can eat just one, just one will not hurt".  One becomes two and soon the whole box has disappeared.

Sometimes getting fat is an economic necessity. Kadizzle got the mail yesterday.  A food devil sent a coupon that entitled Kadizzle to get a free six inch Subway sandwich if he just bought a big drink of sugar juice.  It was a bargain.  The silly coupon said you had to text message Subway to get the prize.  Kadizzle did as instructed, and low and behold the coupons appeared on the phone.  What? There was a timer on the coupon. Kadizzle had four minutes to rush to Subway and get fat.  What a blessing Kadizzle lives almost next door to the Subway.  After jumping in the car Kadizzle rushed over.  In a panic the Subway lady emptying the garbage outside assured Kadizzle he could get the bargain gut bomb.  All turned out well.  Sitting blissfully eating the healthy sandwich Kadizzle thought about how he could restrain himself the rest of the day.  Of course it was all a lie.  One more lumper waddled out to the car and went about his search for will power.