Piss on the wall

The Daily Show: Bathroom Commandments Edition

You ever read the Bible and think, “Wow, God was really micromanaging back then”? Like, we’re not just talking Ten Commandments — we’re talking bathroom policies.

Check this gem out from 1 Samuel 25:22 (KJV):

“So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.”

That’s right. Apparently, God had a zero-tolerance policy for… wall-pee.

Now, let’s think this through. One guy has a little too much mead, stumbles outside, lets it fly against the brickwork — and BOOM! Whole village on death row. Forget Sodom and Gomorrah; this is Splash and You’re Ash.

Imagine the angelic staff meeting:

• “Uh, Lord, minor update: Jedediah took a leak behind the goat pen.”

• “Fine. Kill EVERY male in town. Rules are rules.”

Really? Over that? It’s the ultimate biblical overreaction. Like burning down your house because someone left a wet towel on the floor.

And the best part? King James translators looked at the Hebrew and said: “Should we soften it to ‘every male’? Nah. Let’s keep ‘pisseth against the wall.’” Because nothing says divine authority like 17th-century potty humor.

So next time somebody tells you America was founded on biblical values, just remember: somewhere in that holy text is a passage where God threatens mass murder if you can’t keep it in the chamber pot.

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